It’s not even the “dumb sitcom dad” trope that I get mad about. That’s pretty well-established as the kind of stuff hack writers fall back on nowadays. Even when done well, it’s still not really fertile ground to create any groundbreaking storylines or gags. It’s middle of the road stuff at best. It’s just a simplified use of manipulating expectations, really. As a culture, we have had centuries of casting men as the capable protagonist in our stories. All too often, men and their strength of character and superior constitution were seen as the only way to rescue swooning ladies, and to set wayward children on the right path. This characterization of dads reached a fever pitch in the television of the 1950s, where basically the fatherly role was reduced to a radio voice with impeccable hair urging kids to listen to their mothers and…I dunno…smoke doctor-approved cigarettes and eat more canned dinners. Weird ass time in American history, not gonna lie. So when a rash of sitcoms started casting the patriarch as bumbling and incompetent, it tickled our little abstract thinking centers and made us imagine so many more possibilities. “A dad that doesn’t know what he’s doing? What’s next? I know! A woman with a lazy eye successfully raising her brother’s kids with him!?”
“I believe the cultural concept of fatherhood is in a state of flux.”
We’re past the point where this dynamic is anything but a crutch now. Thankfully that’s how art and culture progress. Interestingly now, I believe the cultural concept of fatherhood is in a state of flux. Our society has progressed in a lot of positive ways in terms of opportunities for both genders. At the same time, new confusion has arisen about how to reconcile those opportunities with traditional roles and ideas. I am a prime example of this. My wife is a physician, and as such is responsible for bringing in the bulk of our income. Even more impactful than that though, is the fact that her work schedule has her out of the house far more often than me. By default then, I become the closest thing we have to a stay-at-home parent. You and I are both aware that there is a traditional structure that has the man working away from the home and the woman staying home with the children. We all carry this idea with us as a sort of cultural baseline, and now it’s more optional than ever. However, I don’t think it’s one that we should neither simply toss out as having no merit, or consider a default arrangement for couples with children. Rather, it’s often been a biological and societal benefit for millenia. Only now do we have the technological prowess and relative safety to start exploring other means of making a family. It’s my belief that this progress in our society is a positive, but that doesn’t mean the transition is easy. I can tell you very plainly that our home life would be less complicated and stressful if I were to simply accept that my only role should be traditional stay-at-home work: child care, cleaning, cooking, laundry, driving kids to and fro, and kin keeping. Further, I can say without a doubt that we would get similar benefits from my wife solely focusing on her work and career, and spending her limited time at home bonding with us and enjoying activities of her choice.
“…as children age, they need less of a caretaker and more of a role model.”
The reality, however, is that while both of us find our relationships with our children to be more rewarding than any other endeavor, neither of us are willing to completely sacrifice our striving for success and income in order to be full-time stay-at-home parents. In proclaiming that, we make no judgments on those who do make that sacrifice. It’s a challenge and a never-ending barrage of high-stakes projects. It really does take a special kind of person with a special kind of talent to be that supermom or superdad. It’s just not who we are. We connect with our children through our pursuit of success, not in spite of it. We may not have the most magical vacations and the best organic snacks, but we are determined to have our children see and experience life as we live it. Furthermore, it is my belief that as children age, they need less of a caretaker and more of a role model. My son is 10. The days where I can craft his reality to what my vision of a childhood should be are becoming a thing of the past. Now, I believe it is more important that he sees me finish things I start. He needs to see how a man acts as a husband, a father, a friend, and a businessman. He needs a good example, and that’s what gets me up and moving every day.
To me, that’s what fatherhood should be reimagined as. You aren’t just the male parent. You aren’t just a paycheck and health insurance. You aren’t just someone who changes diapers and opens juice boxes. You aren’t just what you grill or how your lawn looks. You are the living, breathing example your children will carry in their mind of what an adult should be. This is why it’s important for men to be strong and capable. This is why honesty matters. Why in the world should someone know how to cook their own food, build things with their hands, hunt, fish, fight and create? Because children need to see that they can do it also. They need to know what adults are really capable of, not just what adults allow them to do.
In my experience, as children mature into adults, they will go one of two directions regarding their parents. They will grow up vowing to never be like them, or they will grow up working to follow in their footsteps. Which kind of parent are you going to be?
Stanton Jones
Great content. It hits close to home. My parents were very much that typical family, dad worked in an assembly plant while mom took care of the house and the kids. Eventually as we got older she was afforded the opportunity to go back to school and then back to work. My wife is a stay at home mom that homeschools our three kids while a work a job exactly like my father did. I make enough money to support the family, so thankfully my wife isn’t required to work in order for us to make ends meet. This was what I knew growing up, this is how I thought it was supposed to be. I thought “I did it, I’m a man now. I’ve got a mortgage, a family, and I provide for that family by working in a factory. This is what it is to be a man.” I thought this because this was all I ever saw my dad do. One day I realized even though I “checked all the boxes” my job as a father was far from done. I needed to show my kids that you should strive for something. That there’s more to life than punching a time clock. I love my career, but it’s not what I want my kids to remember me by. I want them to realize that was simply a means to afford us the opportunity to chase our dreams. I think that’s what you hit on here.